*Disclaimer – I actually wrote this post back in February, and it’s taken me this long to get up the nerve to post it. It’s a bear all piece, and far from most of my typical style. So, just know you’ve been warned! 😉 **
I have to say, I had to dust off quite a few cobwebs from my mind, camera, and web browser to even begin writing this blog. I may or may not have even temporarily forgotten the password to sign in.
Life has been adventurous! Full of lots and lots of good, amazing, and fulfilling things. Yet, it also has held a lot of struggle, pain and an extra dose of change in the last year. My personality sure doesn’t crave change, so having heaps of change poured over my head has been a lot overwhelming, and I often find I’m barely holding my head above water, struggling to breathe beneath the weight of it.
I’m not going to complain about my change as compared to anyone else’s. I know that there are certainly people who have a lot more going on in their life right now than I do. I can think of friends in the midst of the adoption process or just having adopted, best friends having just had babies, friends who have lost loved ones or are spending oh so precious moments with loved ones taking last breaths, and friends and family members picking up and moving across the country and even world to take on new callings. I’m just saying, for me… this year… these changes…. it’s just about gotten the best of me. I’ve been ready to throw in the towel quite a bit the past year.
I have gotten so frustrated with myself, who I am, how I respond to things, and feel lacking in so many areas. Sometimes, I feel like I’m downright failing as a wife, mother, employee, and friend. I get hot and heavy on the comparison bandwagon. Sometimes comparing myself to others, and sometimes comparing myself to who I think I should be.
Did I mention that it’s been a really hard year?
My husband and I took a few days right before the new year to just plan, dream, and quite honestly just breathe before the rush of all things new came. I took an afternoon to think and pray and decide that this year was going to be different. This helped in the “reset” process, and I decided that in order for this year to be different, I needed a new mindset – to change my thoughts. The word that I’ve adopted for myself this year is “TRANSFORMATION“.
It didn’t mean that I woke up the next day and everything in my life was magically better or even happy. In fact, it quite honestly, may have gotten worse. However, I made a commitment to making small changes in different areas that will help make the minuscule changes in growth day by day. You know what I’ve noticed so far? It is HARD! Minuscule changes don’t feel like they help in the day by day! Sometimes, the small steps that I trudge through and feel the weight of the challenge to the core of me don’t FEEL like they are making any lasting impact. I am so far out of my comfort zone.
And can I be honest, most times, I feel as though I’m begging God for change, a sense of His peace, and it feels one-sided.
But I’m holding on to hope! Not an empty, far-reaching, and pointless hope. I’m clinging to God’s promises that each day is new and that He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).
This was all about the decision – the decision to make my life mean more, to be intentional and the longing for transformation.
One of the things I had to decide in this was if I wanted to continue with this blog. Sometimes, life feels too raw to put my thoughts on here. But I’ve decided it’s worth it. It’s worth being vulnerable – open wounds and all. This is just a part of the transformation. If I can’t be honest with where I’m at, I’ll never move forward.
So, you might see some changes. Some are physical, some are more internal, and a whole lot “to be determined”- but that’s just where I’m at. It’s a transformation after all. I invite you along in the journey that I’m taking, and invite you to be honest with me as well. I can’t wait to see what’s in store.